What if the key to a fulfilling and lasting marriage is rooted in a unified mission, unwavering commitment, emotional and spiritual connection, and the embodiment of joy and contentment? Tune in as we dissect these core traits of a successful marriage from a Christian perspective, offering real-life advice and heartfelt wisdom for those seeking to strengthen their most sacred partnership.
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The Mission of Marriage Podcast, hosted by Sean and Candace Tambagahan, provides insights for a stronger marriage through a Christian lens. Inspired by real conversations with Christians navigating marital challenges, we aim to infuse hope and value into every union through a biblical perspective.
What if the key to a fulfilling and lasting marriage is rooted in a unified mission, unwavering commitment, emotional and spiritual connection, and the embodiment of joy and contentment? Tune in as we dissect these core traits of a successful marriage from a Christian perspective, offering real-life advice and heartfelt wisdom for those seeking to strengthen their most sacred partnership.
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.
.
.
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The Mission of Marriage Podcast, hosted by Sean and Candace Tambagahan, provides insights for a stronger marriage through a Christian lens. Inspired by real conversations with Christians navigating marital challenges, we aim to infuse hope and value into every union through a biblical perspective.
My name is Sean, I'm Candice and this is the mission of marriage podcast.
Speaker 2:We talk about a Christian perspective on having a better marriage.
Speaker 1:Are you?
Speaker 2:All right guys. Hey, I'm Sean, I'm Candice, and this is the mission of marriage podcast episode three, and today we're going to actually talk about what is a good marriage. So this is a podcast talking about a Christian perspective on what a good marriage is, and I thought it'd be helpful for us to define what is a good marriage. I actually put out a post on Facebook just asking people how do you define what a good marriage is? And, like the vast majority of answers were how to how to have a good marriage is to do this, but nobody really answered the question, which was well, what is even a good marriage? Like, how would you define a good marriage? And so, candice, how we came up with some notes beforehand. So and I got like way too many notes, candice like there's no way, you're not going to preach a sermon.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not going to preach a sermon, kind of Well, we got some points, so I just got a couple of notes on each of my points. But this is the list that we defined as like this is the ideal situation for what a good marriage is. And so, Candice, you want to talk about them. Yeah, you want me to just go through the whole list. We'll just list them first.
Speaker 1:Okay, so unified, which I kind of put that in the same categories on mission. But yeah, so unified on mission, committed and faithful, connected physically, emotionally and spiritually, content, joyful, having fun, and supportive, and I think I got all of them right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm going to list them the way I have them here. So it's the same stuff, but just recapping unified, committed, connected, joyful content and on mission. And so let's just go through, like each one of those points, and talk about what are we talking about here? So unified? What did you have in mind when we're talking about a good marriage is one that's unified.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say unified is like you're unified in your vision, you're unified in like where you're going in life you're unified, and that's kind of why I said like spiritually on mission is kind of also being unified in your beliefs. Yeah, I would say those three things.
Speaker 2:Well, we know the popular verse that the two become one flesh. They're one flesh. That is the husband and wife dynamic is that we are one. And yes, I have passages and so I just I want to read this from Genesis two. So this is important.
Speaker 2:It says the Lord took the man and took Adam and he put him in the garden to be able to work it and to take care of it. And the Lord God commanded Adam. He said you're free to eat from all the trees in the garden, but you just don't eat from this one tree. And the Lord God said it's not good for man to be alone. So we know that God creates mankind for the purpose of partnering together in ruling the world and in advancing the glory of God throughout all creation. But Adam can't do it by himself. He's by himself, he's in the garden. It's the first time God says it's not good, is because man is not alone, or because man is alone? And he says I will make a helper suitable for him. And I just love this.
Speaker 2:I was listening to one message on this and that word helper really changed things and put it in the perspective for me that you're not my assistant, you're not my like hey, this is my vision and my direction and you're just my little helper. Like that's not the idea of what a wife is. That word helper is better translated as redeeming, ally. Like redeeming in the sense that God has called us, humanity, to do something, but I cannot do that without my helper, without my ally. So that's the redeeming aspect is like he's provided the help for me to do that, and an ally meaning like we're partnered together to do it.
Speaker 2:And we know the rest of the passage. He creates Eve out of the rib of Adam, and then it says that that is why man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and the two become one flesh. And so I just think that when I'm thinking about a good marriage, we're united. It's us living out the identity that we've been created for. So we are united together. It's not two separate people living out their own, two separate agendas. I think a lot of marriages are that it's like, hey, we have like kind of our own paths in life. You're doing your thing, I'm doing my thing. Our paths seem to kind of not bump into each other too much, and I think you're attractive and I like your personality, so let's get together. But the moment those two paths like are in opposite directions, which happens a lot, yep, they're not unified anymore, and so that, and then marital problems start happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why it's you know, having the same vision, knowing where you're going in life together Is why, yeah, being unified is it's super important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and not just unified sexually you will talk about that on connected, I think is part of there but unified spiritually. We're unified morally, like we're on the same page, yeah, morally, ethically, spiritually, the way we raise our kids, like we have to be unified in that or else we're going to have issues.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that we agree on everything either, but for the, for the big things, for the things that matter, we do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So uniformity, or unity rather, doesn't mean uniformity. So unified, like we are united together, but it doesn't mean like we think exactly the same thoughts about everything, just like Candice is saying. Like unity is, it doesn't necessitate uniformity. So we do have to have that compromise, but when the world sees us and when our kids see us, we are going to operate as a unified front.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so a good marriage is first unified, and I think this is super important to like, especially like going into a relationship. So we get to counsel some people who are like seeking to be married and it's very evident that they're not unified. Yeah, unequally yolks.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Right In all of those ways. So it's not just in as an unbeliever, but morally, ethically, emotionally.
Speaker 1:Usually. Well, usually, it's just that they're infatuated with each other, attracted to each other, and so you're trying to fit them in your life Right. Instead of like hey, are we going? Like the same direction? Where are we going? Like what's your vision? Like what's the end game here?
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%. And why people get involved before they evaluate. I stole that. I get to mention that. I stole that one time. Now, as I always say, people get involved relationally, emotionally, sometimes sexually, and when you get involved sexually it even like, increases the involvement. You get involved before you evaluate. Is this person even compatible with me in the sense of like? Are we going in the same direction in the fundamental things of life? Not like I like hanging out with you and we like to kick it and we both think each other is attractive. That stuff goes away. Are we unified morally, ethically, spiritually in the direction of our life?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:OK. Second thing so a good marriage is unified, A good marriage is committed, committed, faithful. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I mean the obvious one is you don't cheat, but committed and faithful like you're faithful to like. I'm faithful to you above everything else, above my family, above you know, if something gets in the way of like, my faithfulness or my commitment to you and the sense of like, pulling me away from like it's getting in the way of our marriage, then it's probably not something God's called me to do, because God's not going to call me to do something right that he's already told me to be one with my husband, and so if it causes me to be pulled away from you and our marriage, then I need to probably stop doing those things or whatever that is.
Speaker 2:We do this in life, to where we make our priorities, we make our commitments.
Speaker 2:Just think about you're getting into a contractual obligation.
Speaker 2:I'm not thinking like reducing marriage to just a contractual obligation, but I'm talking about like if you're in business, you sign a contract, you're committed to that contract, like that's just the terms of the agreement. What if something happens to where it's like, oh, this is going to pull me in this direction. What are the terms of the agreement, say, and marriage is a covenant, it's a promise, it's a contract between each other, between the husband and wife, but also between you and God. And so my commitment to you is a reflection of my commitment to him, because my covenant is not just with you, it's also with him. And so and that's interesting that you talk about like the committed to you, above even family, I think more so younger married couples or just newlyweds, especially newlyweds, even if they're kind of older and they have deep ties, maybe they've been divorced and remarried, and like their only connection has been with their mom and their dad and their brothers. And now you're married, and then this new person comes in, the new wife comes in.
Speaker 1:It's like the outsider coming in and it's supposed to be. No, we're a new family now and you guys are just an extension of our past family, or however you want to verbalize that.
Speaker 2:Well, 100%. So a man leaves his father and mother, so you're leaving one family dynamic and you're going into a new family dynamic. You're creating your own family and I think that commitment to one another has to be I'm committed to this family before even my previous family and a lot of mama's boys have issues with this right and daddy's girls and girls who maybe they have brothers, she's the youngest or something Whatever. It is their family commitments before the marriage end up getting in the way and being a stumbling block in the marriage, and so you have to realize that a happy marriage is committed to this family unit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, on both sides, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, matthew 19, 6 says so. They are no longer two, but they're one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. And so I think committed is, of course, all of these things that we're talking about. But also, divorce is not a subject, it's not a word. You treat it like a cuss word, it's just not in your vocabulary, you don't even talk about it. Divorce is one of those words like, once you let it out, it's like it takes root, and then you start to use it and then you start to think about it, then you start to Fantasize about it, then you start to idea and I've seen this all the time so you just remove it from your vocabulary. This is not a thing that I do, because I'm committed, I'm faithful. Of course we're not cheating. That's like Bare minimum, yeah. But aside from that, this is a covenant, this is a promise. We're committed to this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. You know I was also gonna say just my brain's going also being committed. You know we're committed to each other in every aspect of our lives, and so finances, that's like a huge one for people. We've always had joined finances immediately. Oh yeah, everything that.
Speaker 2:I didn't even know is a thing that like I didn't even think about it Because we got married so young that, like our finances always been intertwined, but I've never even thought about it. I just thought it was the weirdest thing when I met couples that have separate bank accounts.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That just gets weird to me. It's like what? It doesn't make any sense and I don't want to make that like a hard and fast rule, because I know some people I don't know maybe we have like a talking about a spending problem or something like that. I'm just saying it's weird to me and so like this is like the apostle Paul when he's talking about hey, this isn't a command, this is a concession, this is just my opinion, is just weird.
Speaker 1:Well, you're becoming one, that's, that's in every aspect of your life, and so, so finances are the same thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know how you can make a household work when you guys aren't on the same page or unified when it comes to finances and when you have two separate bank accounts. It's like who gets to determine what the priorities are of you're spending your money. Or it's weird when it's like, hey, you pay your bills, I'll pay my bills, like no, no, no, you too become one. There's like I don't know any other way of doing it and I don't want to say this is the way we do it, this the way it ought to be it.
Speaker 1:Just how do you practically live that out if you're keeping but if we're being real, like we have seen people that are in the same boat as us, where they do share finances and there are no issues there and then most Everybody we've talked to that has several it's always an issue.
Speaker 2:It's always an issue. Every single person that we've there's. There's that Division between them, and for me it doesn't. Well, how do you feel as a woman? Does that make you feel protected and cared for and provided for? If I'm like, pay your bills and I pay mine?
Speaker 1:No, but I'm paying.
Speaker 2:I'm paying the lion's share. I pay in the house note. I'm paying the car and you just got your cell phone.
Speaker 1:Like now it does like me saying well, you know, I'll get the, I'll watch the kids, you know, from this time to this time and you watch the kids. The rest, no. Like there are kids, we're one, like this is what we're doing together.
Speaker 2:So or I watch the oldest one and you watch the youngest one. How about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So okay, so so unified, committed, and then the next one is connected. So a good marriage, we're defining what a good marriage is. They're unified, we're connected, I'm sorry, committed, and then connected. So talk about connected.
Speaker 1:So will we split it up into three different categories? So there's spiritually, which which we've already kind of talked about, a little bit unified, and well, let's talk about.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's talk about the spiritual, okay. So physical, spiritual and Emotionally, and so the spiritual side, so spiritual connectivity. I Think I've tried probably a good five times to like I'm going to do a Bible study with Candice. It Doesn't, it is never worked out. And I've tried to do it to her, I'm going to teach you the Bible now, and that doesn't really work out. And then we've tried several times. I have like a regular prayer time and that it's never I get. So like I remember going through a season where I felt super guilty, like dude, I'm not leading my family. Well, because me and Candice have, I've never had a regular prayer time with you.
Speaker 1:I've never had like this is our Bible study time together, like we do read the Bible together and we do pray together, but it's not like we've ever had it Well, I think connected spiritually means we're growing together and and it's not necessarily having to pray together, and even though those times are important and you should prioritize it, we do occasionally.
Speaker 2:We know we pray together often, all the time, but we don't pray on a schedule. Yeah, yeah, this is it we pray every morning at this time or we pray every night like? Our schedules don't work like that yeah, correct yeah but we pray together all the time and we don't read together all like.
Speaker 2:You have your study time when we have a nice Saturday available morning than we do, but yeah and I've done it to where I'm trying to have like family Bible study and I'll just like try to go deep in. I'm just trying to read the scriptures with the kids or something. So, and when we're talking about being connected spiritually, I think there's this overwhelming pressure on, especially upon men, to be the spiritual leader of the house. I need to teach my wife the Bible and I need to pray and initiate all the prayer times and a lot of the woman is not.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of different Couples to where the woman is the spiritual, like juggernaut in the relationship. So what? How does the man feels inadequate to lead his family spiritually.
Speaker 1:So I think you check, you check up on me. You're like, hey, like, yeah, how are you doing spiritually, like what's going on? And yeah, and we'll get it more into like the, because that's kind of like.
Speaker 2:So, so, spiritual connectedness. I think that again, we're not going into the practical pragmatic like this is exactly how you do it. But you do need to be on the same page spiritually. But, just like you said, checking in with one another. Don't feel guilty that you Don't have, like, the right schedule or anything like that. In every Dynamic is going to be different. Sometimes Maybe the wife is a few steps ahead of the husband spiritually and the husband feels, you know, maybe needs to catch up a little bit, and that's totally fine. It was sometimes opposite the husband's, a few steps ahead. The idea is that you're intentionally Checking up on each other, you're praying for one another, you're praying with one another. You do prioritize the word of God that the gospel is, is a conversation in your life.
Speaker 2:Like you, were fluent in the gospel like it's. We speak the gospel to the everyday stuff of life, and so that's what I think we that's what I'm talking about in connected spiritually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Connected emotionally.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and emotionally. So I'm thinking more of like having open communication, so that way you can talk about your fears and your. You know your wants, your desires, whatever that is, or you know going into spiritually, you know whenever you're weak and I'm stronger or vice versa. We're praying for each other, but that can happen if we're not connected emotionally right to where we have that open communication going on and so me and Candice are very different.
Speaker 2:I, in the way we process emotions, specifically stress, and so I am a planner and a strategist and a contemplator when it comes to our issues. Candice is a verbal processor and she needs to get it out and she doesn't even have to have the thoughts formulated in her head. She will figure it out as she's talking, and so the way I perceive it as she's nagging and the way she perceives me is I don't give a crap and he doesn't want to talk. You're not vested, and we know better now, because we've learned this about each other, that she's not nagging, she's verbally processing and she needs me to be connected in the conversation, even if we don't have a game plan to solve, sometimes just to listen, just so I can again verbally process it Totally.
Speaker 2:And for me, I'm just like, I need to think like, because in my mind, if we don't have a plan, then we're just it's purposeless, we're just shouting into the air, complaining about something we can't change. Let's figure out a game plan and bring something productive to the conversation, Whereas, like no, the productive thing in the conversation is us discussing it. And so now that we know that about each other, I am not quick to be like oh, just quit nagging. Or like why are we complaining about this? Like I'll just listen. Sometimes that's all you need. And then sometimes, if I just need to contemplate, you don't accuse me of you, just don't even care about anything anymore.
Speaker 2:Just have a respond like no, you know that I'm just processing, and so I think-.
Speaker 1:Knowing each other, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's emotion. We wouldn't know that if we weren't emotionally connected. So understand how to connect emotionally, and so sometimes-.
Speaker 1:Know your differences.
Speaker 2:You just need me there to talk. Sometimes it's just there to vent, like last night was an example of this. Feeling stressed, feeling overwhelmed, and so you didn't need me to give you the answers.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I just needed to verbally process what I was feeling, but you kind of helped me through that too, because you know me so well. You're like, well, you ask questions. Like are you feeling this way because of this or because of that right? And so there's that emotional connection where we have I think there's so much to say in this and I'm sure we'll get into this more later but it's really being transparent, open communication. All of those things are like the to-dos and stuff.
Speaker 2:So spiritually connected, emotionally connected and physically connected. And this is the part where Jesus blushes a little bit and he's like, oh, they're gonna fuck all sex. No, okay, so-. So well, there's physical, that's non-sexual right, oh, I didn't plan for that.
Speaker 1:Well, so that's what I was gonna say is that we'll get more into that on the roles. Women need to understand that men don't know that, but women, that's what women know that there's physical, that is sexual and non-sexual physical, so holding hands out in public, things like that, and so women need that and you don't wanna mix the public displays of affection. No, it's not. No, you don't wanna do that.
Speaker 2:So okay, so I'll talk about the sexual part. So I do have a scripture. I love quoting the scripture to you. This is your favorite scripture First Corinthians seven the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife doesn't have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband, and in the same way, the husband doesn't have authority over his body but yields it to his wife. Don't deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control, and I love this. Verse six. Pospol says I say this as a concession, not as a command, meaning like there's not a hard and fast rule that you could put up like okay, well, how long is a time and how many times is enough and how many times is not enough. This is something very personal for every relationship to figure out for themselves, but I will say at least three times a week.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:No, it's no, no, no no, no, seriously.
Speaker 2:There are people that I know, unfortunately, that have very poor sex lives and it bleeds out into their relationship. It does build up a resentment or a frustration, and the scripture here is saying that you shouldn't do that for a long period of time. You guys have to determine what that is and have that conversation. I think the fact that you and I have conversations about what this looks like and me respecting your boundaries, yep.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that there's usually a couple things that there's like, usually reasons of why there's some abstaining, and we're not gonna get all into that right now, but I think the number one, first, basic reason is if people aren't taking care of themselves physically, so they're not healthy, they're not eating the right foods, so their hormone levels are completely dropped, testosterone levels are dropped, whatever the case is, and that's usually comes from not taking care of yourself physically, and so that could be a reason why. There's also the other reason of you know, it goes deeper. There's again the emotional connection is not there, and so there could be reasons for that.
Speaker 2:And so If you haven't been connected in the other two forms of connections spiritually and emotionally how are you going to expect the physically as well? Yeah, it's like, oh, I want you to connect with me on this level that is meaningful to me, but I haven't connected on any of the other meaningful levels that we're supposed to be connected in. So if there is no connection, usually if you're connected in these other ways, there is some sort of a sexual attraction to where that just happens. But I think it is an importance to prioritize it, To have like, if you've gone a certain extended period of time without it, it's probably time to do it and you could prioritize that, I think. Is that all we want to say about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, for now.
Speaker 2:For now. We should probably do a whole episode on just that. But connected, so good. Marriage is unified, committed, connected, joyful, joyful. So go ahead.
Speaker 1:I was having fun, have fun together. I think that there's you get caught up in, you know work and having children and just all the things that come with life in general that you forget to have fun. Laugh, sit. You know it's not always and people always think like, oh, I need to go.
Speaker 2:Have an activity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I need to go out of town, I need to do something, I need to have money to spend. No, sometimes me and Sean just like we, just like to go in the backyard and just sit and talk and just.
Speaker 2:That's it, that's our time together. That's considered a connection point. We're laughing together, we talk. All the time we have, you know, we'll go out and people watch. Sometimes we don't have any yeah, any money to go out, okay fine, go people watching, but intentionally doing things that are fun together. Now here's the thing Some people the accusation might come like my spouse is just boring and they don't like to do anything that I think is fun, or my idea of fun is not their idea of fun.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that there's things that you like to do, that I don't like to do, and then that's where it comes into the Candace really tried for like three years to pretend to like snowboarding for me when we first got together and she got all the gear and everything and it's like, oh, she loves snowboarding. This is incredible. And after we got married you admitted like I don't really like this.
Speaker 1:No, I tried to like it for a long time for you Broke my heart. Yeah, but just wasn't for me. But there was a lot of hobbies that I have that just were not your hobbies, yeah, and the things that you think were fun and I think that that's another thing that we're not going to talk about again is it's important to be able to have things that you like to do without your spouse?
Speaker 2:Totally, you know that's another issue we are going to talk about, just not on this episode. Yeah, that's totally important, but the idea is that if you have hobbies that your spouse doesn't like, don't try to get them to like your thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Find a thing together that you guys do like to do and I guarantee you will find something. I could find something fun to do with anybody, the most boring person in the world.
Speaker 1:We'll find something that we like to do and there's a reason we like to go hiking, we like to go to the beach.
Speaker 2:And we didn't find that out. Well, the hiking thing till a few years ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like hey, we got a new thing. We got a new thing, but we've found a number of different things that we enjoy doing together, and so the idea is to be joyful To do, to experience pleasure together.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good, okay. So the next one is content. Now I put content and I think you didn't really like that word at first. Like what were you thinking when I said content?
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, I've been thinking about the word content and I think that I mean you like the word content, but not like for marriage.
Speaker 2:How does that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but well, I've been thinking about it. So I think that people tend to always look, you know, the grass isn't greener on the other side, you know, is the saying, because people are always looking elsewhere. But I think that in marriage, like you have to understand that, no matter who you're with, no one's perfect and they're not, you know, always going to check off every single box. And so it's important to be content with your spouse and focus on the positives, right, and not all like all the many, many negatives I'm just kidding the negatives, but, yeah, to be content with each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%. And I think it's super important to understand the distinction between where the line is, between contentment and complacency. And so to say you're content in your marriage is not to say I'm complacent in my marriage. Complacent means that you're just coasting, you're fine with things being mediocre or even below. You're complacent, you're settling.
Speaker 2:That's not what I mean by contentment, but the Apostle Paul in Philippians talks about I've learned. I know what it's like to have plenty and I know what it's like to have want. I know what it's like to be well fed. I know what it's like to be hungry. I know the secret of being content in any and every circumstance. I could do all things through God, through Christ, who gives me strength. And so the idea is, it doesn't matter what your situation is and your circumstances are. You're not looking outside of what you have for joy, for satisfaction and for happiness. So I'm not talking about being complacent like, hey, our marriage is mediocre and I'm good, I'm gonna coast there. You cannot coast uphill right. And so if you want a good marriage, it does take intent, it takes effort, but you're not looking for some ideal expression of your marriage in order to find happiness right now. I'm happy with you right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Of course we're pressing on towards something greater, but I'm content now. I'm not looking for you to change your attitude about this certain thing and you're not looking for me to get in a better shape physically. I mean, maybe you are, but you're content with where I am right now. You're not seeking validation or joy or happiness in something that you don't have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I think that the reason I struggled with the content in marriage is because I believe you need to be content in Christ.
Speaker 2:Amen Amen.
Speaker 1:So I'm not looking to you to fulfill my every happiness and need.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That comes out of Christ, that's good.
Speaker 2:So, that's another episode, we're gonna talk about it. We planned out like broad topics for a lot of these episodes, but that's a huge one. So, yes, 100% like your ultimate sense of joy and contentment and all of these things are going to be found in Christ, in Christ alone, but is in your marriage. You need to be content where you are, so you're not looking outside of your marriage for validation or happiness or joy. You're not looking outside of where your spouse currently is in order to be happy in your marriage. You're happy where you are right now, and so that's what I mean by contentment. And then my my last point here is on mission, and you are including that in the unified Okay, well, I yeah.
Speaker 2:Do you want to say something else about?
Speaker 1:it. No, no, no, go ahead, okay Well.
Speaker 2:I just want to read a passage in Matthew five. It says in Matthew five 14 you are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people hide a lamp, but they put it under or, I'm sorry, neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house in the same way. Let your light shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven. My point in living on mission is that we aside like. The purpose of our life is not to have a happy life, a happy marriage and raise good kids. The purpose of our life is to bring glory to Christ.
Speaker 2:Yes and this goes back to the very basics of being unified. Why does man and woman become one flesh? So that we can appropriately bring glory to Christ. Yeah, that was the whole purpose of marriage the male female union in the beginning not to have a happy time, not to have joyful trips and raise up good kids, even though that's a part of it. The point of marriage is to be on mission.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, you're raising good kids for again the kingdom of.
Speaker 2:Christ, amen. But so my point in this is that so many people get wrapped up in their marriage is about their kids, like it's all for the kids, and you hear that all the time like, oh, we're just doing it for the kids. It's like, well, okay, first off, like you're not doing the kids any favor by having your crappy marriage and putting it on display, just staying together because of the kids, and you're also not doing yourself or your kids any favors by making your life all about the just the family dynamic and not about the glory of Christ. Yeah, and I think Francis and Lisa.
Speaker 2:Chan, go ahead, talk about that.
Speaker 1:I was just gonna quote what he said. Francis Chan said, you know, happy but worthless is what he thinks of when he sees families that are just all about their enjoyment and their happiness. And you know, and not on mission for Christ.
Speaker 2:And we know couples like that, and so they meet all of the boxes of unified, committed. They are connected, joyful and content, but they're not on mission and they have missed the point of marriage. That's just the sad fact. This is a podcast for Christians, and so you, as a husband and wife ideally this is the ideal situation that you guys are both on the same page, but you're living together on mission. You exist for the glory of Christ. This thing does not work and in fact, we've missed a lot of the other things, but the thing that has sustained us is the fact that we're on mission for Christ, yeah, so well, and I was gonna say, you know, whenever you're constantly seeking your joy and happiness and all these like idolizing family, that's why no one's ever content, no, it's never enough.
Speaker 1:And and then it just continues, and continues, and continues, and then you know. But that's why, if you're on mission, if you're really living out your life for Christ, then you have that contentment, knowing that you have a purpose in life and God is using you.
Speaker 1:Yeah you know and and seeing your kids grow up living on mission and you know seeing what's going on in third world countries and the poverty and just the lack. And here in Fresno you know just seeing our kids Showing them that there's more than just you know, the joy and the happy you can. Those are good like. Do those things, but prioritize the kingdom first and you'll see the that you're content.
Speaker 2:Amen. Yeah, I, in the last episode I mentioned a few times and we Can this like walk to which I don't think you should have said it because I said like I think we have the happiest marriage, like we have like one of the best marriages of all the people we know, and she's like that sounds like sort of like Jerky or what I don't know. What you said I was like, yeah, kind of in my point is not to say like we have the best marriage, better than you guys. I'm just saying the way we feel towards each other, our love and our connection, is the best it could possibly be.
Speaker 2:I think you know, and obviously we could strive for better and we but we don't have it all figured out, we still argue and bicker about certain things, but I think the thing that keeps us so connected is just that, just living on mission, that we love Jesus, we want to make Jesus known, we see the darkness that's in our city and in our world and we don't have time to waste on little trivialities. And so the fact that we are living on mission, like this marriage needs to work like this, like we need to be Unified, committed, connected, joyful, doing all of these things. Why? Because we're living on mission and just to see the fruit of that Is I don't know. It just brings me joy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so yeah, well, there was one thing that you didn't have on there that I had written down was supportive Whenever I see and I'll support that. Whenever I see happy, good marriages, it's usually they're supportive of each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, that's good. I didn't think about that man I had all kinds of misfeeds.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why I'm your other half, I I.
Speaker 2:I've been brought to tears talking, talking about you and us two people, just because I Would not be the man that I am today if it wasn't for you and and you know that, but you're also like you you always Push back now and now you would have been able to figure out like no, if it was, if it was just me and no Candice and kids, I would live in a three bedroom apartment with like ten guys all splitting rent. You know, getting a minimum wage job is doing my thing. A woman will make a man out of you and, candice, you are the woman that has never let me settle For complacency. You've always pushed me to to be the better version of myself that you know. That is there. And every time that I've ever had a vision or a dream like I feel, like I want to do this, you've never said that's stupid, don't do that.
Speaker 2:Why would you do? You've always supported it, even if it was stupid. You're like you could totally do that. You could do that. I believe in you. Let's do it. And how can I help you?
Speaker 2:and yeah, supportive and and that's both ways yeah to where, when we talked last time on our Our story, that it was really like you were supporting me in my vision and you didn't have any identity outside of just being my wife. And when you know, god had me repent of that, had us repent of both of our sins, and it's like, okay, how can we move forward? Started looking at like what are the giftings inside of you? And I've tried to do the same thing for you, like Maybe you could do it. You could do that. If that's what your vision is like, let's do it. How can I help you? And then we use our giftings together to support one another in that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that we, kind of Like you said, we've been supporting each other on this journey, and, and it's not like hey, where is my dinner now? Like you know, honestly, though, was for dinner.
Speaker 1:When, when you know, when I was going to school for my certification, I'm like studying all the time. And then you know, just, life Changes, like things happen, and there's change that happens, and and we've been going with each other Through the flow of that and not holding each other to the standard of like, hey, well, this is how we've always done things, so why isn't it continuing?
Speaker 1:We've just kind of recognized like, hey, we're just in a new season and we respect those seasons and we just kind of again support each other and go through the flow of those.
Speaker 2:Yeah, amen, and so that's another good topic for another day is understanding the season that you're in in your marriage and that changes from newlywed especially if you're getting married young To now having children and then to starting your career, or if you're later in age with a blended family, like that season, like there's different seasons for different times, and kids being a certain age, that changes Career changes, all of those things and being mindful of those and how to navigate, and so we'll be talking about that in another episode but understanding how to support each other in all of those things.
Speaker 2:So a good marriage just recapping is unified, is committed, is connected, joyful, content on mission and supportive. The last thing that I want to say about this is that two things is is all of these things are a choice. Yeah, you choose this. This does not happen just by happenstance. Like, you choose all of these things, you choose to be Joyful, you choose to be united, you choose to be committed. It takes two and it does take two. So, like, a good marriage cannot be one person wanting to do all of these things and the other not.
Speaker 1:Well, sorry to go into that really quick. Then, since you're ending on that note, I wanted to say that you know the the opposition can come in like, well, we weren't saved. You know we weren't saved when we got married. Me and Sean were not saved when we got married, and so when we got saved, we both made the choice. You know, to work through all of these things. So, like you're saying, it's a choice.
Speaker 2:So, so the two things is that I want to say was it's a choice, you have to choose to do these things. It does take two to choose. Um, well, what if the other one's not on the same page? Then you choose to do what you can. But we're talking about the ideal.
Speaker 2:This is an ideal situation, and so the at the last point that I want to make was that you could be missing a few of these things and still have a good marriage Relatively like. This is the ideal, perfect, like pristine. This is Perfection in marriage, which you're never, always gonna have, and we don't attain to all of these things all the time. Yeah, right, and so you'll go through seasons to where, maybe you're out of alignment, maybe it's just like gaining weight, like I'm out of weight, I'm overweight. Okay, what do you do? You don't like? Well, I might as well just throw in the towel on my health and just go down the drain like no, you notice it and you kick it back in the gear to go towards the ideal.
Speaker 2:And so this is the ideal that we're talking about. If you're out of alignment in the ideal, it's okay, like that's very normal. It's a choice you have to make and it just means you're off track. So you could go through seasons where it's not good and it doesn't mean you have a bad marriage or that you're in danger or any of that stuff. It's very normal for any marriage to be out of alignment in any one of those things, but if we're talking about the definition of a good marriage, that's the ideal situation, that's the ideal standard that we're aiming towards. So that's all I had to say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:There you go.
Speaker 2:We need a better closing line. So we'll just say, and we're done.
Speaker 1:And break.