This episode of Mission of Marriage podcast brings candid conversations about the inevitable disputes that arise in marriage and the art of handling them with fairness and respect. We get down to the brass tacks of our personal experiences about bickering and how the illusion of a perfect marriage often misleads couples. Remember, longevity in marriage doesn’t come from a conflict-free relationship, but from resilience, understanding, and perspective.
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We're Sean and Candace Tambagahan and this is the Mission of Marriage Podcast! Have you ever been at a crossroads in your marriage, wondering if there's any hope for restoration? We've walked through some rocky patches ourselves. Our marital journey has taught us about perseverance, grace, and the infinite love of God. And it's these lessons we strive to share with you, to help navigate the trials and tribulations of marriage. We don't claim to have all the answers, but we do have some tools and insights that might just help you on your journey.
This episode of Mission of Marriage podcast brings candid conversations about the inevitable disputes that arise in marriage and the art of handling them with fairness and respect. We get down to the brass tacks of our personal experiences about bickering and how the illusion of a perfect marriage often misleads couples. Remember, longevity in marriage doesn’t come from a conflict-free relationship, but from resilience, understanding, and perspective.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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We're Sean and Candace Tambagahan and this is the Mission of Marriage Podcast! Have you ever been at a crossroads in your marriage, wondering if there's any hope for restoration? We've walked through some rocky patches ourselves. Our marital journey has taught us about perseverance, grace, and the infinite love of God. And it's these lessons we strive to share with you, to help navigate the trials and tribulations of marriage. We don't claim to have all the answers, but we do have some tools and insights that might just help you on your journey.
My name is Sean, I'm Candice and this is the Mission of Marriage podcast.
Speaker 2:We talk about a Christian perspective on having a better marriage. Welcome to episode five of the Mission of Marriage podcast. How you doing, babe? Good, how was your day?
Speaker 1:It was actually really good. I didn't have a lot going on, I just went to RTC and mentored one of my girls. So yeah, it was fun.
Speaker 2:I looked different today. I don't have my glasses and I'm wearing a polo and not a flat bill because I golfed. I was at the Fresno Mission Golf Tournament roughing it.
Speaker 1:You're actually stepping into a real pastor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get to play like twice a year and I'm pretty terrible. They say that golf is like one of those things that you don't get good at, you just get less bad and I don't play enough to not suck, but I had fun. If I have raccoon eyes and look a certain way, that's why. What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1:Fighting, fair Fighting fair. Fighting in your marriage. How to resolve it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we wanted to just demonstrate this to you guys by just fighting, because I have a bone to pick with Candice and I've been trying to get this off my chest and we just figured, instead of talking about it, let's just fight about that thing. No, we don't really fight too. I mean, we bicker and I think like people that know us are like you know what do you guys fight all the time, but we don't fight all the time.
Speaker 1:I guess we don't see it as we're just like we disagree publicly quite often. Yeah, I think it's healthy and we don't try to hide it.
Speaker 2:I don't. I'm not arguing with you. I'm passionately explaining why you're wrong and I'm right, and I don't think we have like a filter, a public filter. It's just how we are in real life, is just how we are in front of other people, and so I don't know.
Speaker 1:That's the extent of it. It's not like we don't go home and like we need to discuss, like what was said, we don't take ourselves too seriously so we jab each other or bicker or whatever. It's just, it is what it is and we let it go and it's not something to pull on through.
Speaker 2:I mean, obviously there's some things that we need to talk about offline.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, which is one of the things we'll talk about today. But I mean, for the most part, we can't decide. Don't fight. We don't have big arguments. We'll have little disagreements here and there, but we've had the big fights and I'm sure we will again and you know it's bound to happen, it just happens.
Speaker 2:You know, one of the things that I do when I'm officiating marriages is I'll have the crowd, the friends and the family. I'll ask anybody who's been married for 15 years or longer to stand up. And you know there's a handful of people that are always going to stand up. And I have the bride and groom face, their friends and family and I say those are the ones that you need to talk to, not if times get tough, but when times get tough. And then I have them. Look at their bridesmaids and their groomsmen. I say don't talk to any of these fools up here that are standing with you because they don't know much.
Speaker 2:When Candice and I got married, you know I had my best men and you had your maids of honor and they love us and have good intentions. But our friends are not typically the best people to talk to, especially when you're young, getting married and how to deal with conflict, you need to talk to the older folks who've been there and done that, and so tonight we're going to talk about just some practical things that are going to be helpful in resolving conflict. Fighting fair how do you fight in a way that's?
Speaker 1:fair. I do want to add this before we get into all of that is when we're on mission, when we're focused on what God has called us to do, we have this vision and we're going forth with that vision and we're in our callings. And I noticed that there's less fighting Amen. Yeah, because we're pursuing God, we're pursuing the mission, and so we're so unified in that.
Speaker 2:When the apostle Paul tells Timothy that a good soldier doesn't get caught up in civilian affairs, meaning there's such menial, low level stuff that a lot of people bicker over and they make mountains out of these molehills and it's like man, you got bigger fish to fry than this issue that you think is so big. And you're making such a big deal out of something when, if you are living on mission, you see the bigger picture, you get over things quicker and you think about a soldier on the battlefield. If they're on a mission, bullets are flying, they're not going to get hung up on.
Speaker 1:Well, think about if we were both in the Navy or whatever, and we're in war. I'm not going to worry about the little tedious things. Hey, you didn't make your bed today, or whatever. I'm going to be like man I got your back, you got my back, we're in this together. So I think that that's where our perspective, our mindset is.
Speaker 2:Totally, and that's the part of the mission of having your marriage together on mission. But, candice, you had a phenomenal outline of things to talk about. In fact, we have notes. I don't have my iPad here but we have some written notes.
Speaker 2:I had just this note of the idea of the perfect marriage, and obviously it doesn't exist. Everybody, I think they kind of know that, but I don't think to have a good marriage, you have to have a conflict-free marriage. That's not the definition of a good marriage. There's always going to be conflict. You have two people who are completely different. They have their own set of baggage, as well as their own set of traditions and upbringing and their own mannerisms, their own things that are triggers as well as their pet peeves, and you're getting these two people to build a life together, and so there's no, there's for sure going to be conflict. So it's not the absence of conflict, but the resolution of it. And how do you do that? And so those are some of the things that we want to talk about tonight.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what do you want me to start with? So?
Speaker 2:just why we fight.
Speaker 1:Why we fight. Yeah, why do people fight? What's usually the reason? So we read a book a while ago and it was the perfect example or explanation of it, and it's this hurt cycle. And so the hurt cycle is maybe, sean, you've done something that upset me. And why did it upset me? Because I have an insecurity or I have a trigger from my past or whatever the case may be, and so, because of that hurt, I then react in an unhealthy way or a way I shouldn't have, and then that reaction now hurt you, and then now you're hurt out of your insecurity or whatever the case is. Now you react, and so it just goes on this perpetual cycle.
Speaker 2:I've hurt a cycle and the book is called the DNA of Relationships and I think it's called. He calls it in the book the fear dance or something like that, and I think we just updated to call the hurt cycle because that's, I think, more accurate. And, just like I said, there's this relational crisis. Whatever it is, there's some sort of crisis point in the marriage or in the relationship. It could be anything, it could be something small, like you leaving your clothes all over the place or something like that. That's one small trigger right.
Speaker 1:I feel like you don't respect me or don't take me, my feelings and consideration.
Speaker 2:So it's the crisis point. Then there's the hurt and there's a fear, and that hurt and fear gets translated into anger and that anger turns into a response, which her response will then hurt me and I have certain fears or insecurities, and then I turn that into a responsive anger and then I trigger back and then we're just in this never ending cycle of just hurting each other based off of our own fears and our own insecurities and our own hurts. And so what are some of the triggers that you have or that I have?
Speaker 1:I think, for me, triggers that I have is just feeling like I'm not heard, feeling like you don't value me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think one of them was whether it be relationally with other people, with friends or family. It's not so much anymore, but I think, especially in the earlier days, you would have these insecurities where I was so close to my family or my friends or whatever, and you would feel that I was choosing other people over you, and so something would happen to where you'd felt that way. And then you're hurt, but you don't say, hey, I'm hurt right now, this is hurting me. You would lash out in some sort of way. That's angry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I would get angry or try to control. So control whenever you have a fear or an insecurity. Control is usually what we do and I would try to control you at that time.
Speaker 2:Well, and control is based out of fear. You try to control something because you're fearing, and one of my triggers was this feeling of inadequacy so I'm not good enough, so anything that I do isn't good enough. I try my hardest and then I'm not loved or accepted or esteemed enough, and so that's an insecurity on my end to where, if you say something that maybe I'm hurting you and you lash out in a way that's angry, then I feel OK, well, then you just don't care about anything that I've done. I'm inadequate Out of all the things that I do. Now you're going to complain about this, and so it was always, they always, never Right.
Speaker 2:So trying to remove those from our vocabulary and intentionally and just like even we'll call each other on it sometimes like really always, always, never, never. Is that true? Is that you always do this, you never do that? And usually it's not the case, but we say things like that. Ok, so there's the hurt cycle, and I think the helpful tool that we gained from that was just acknowledging that that's a thing, and so, ok, hold on, there's a hurt here, and so what we've tried to do was to cultivate an environment of grace. An environment of grace says that we know that we're both sinners and that we're going to fall short, and I want to try to extend to Candice the grace that I know that I'm going to need as well. So if the shoes were flipped, if I was in her shoes, what would grace look like and what would I want extended to me in that moment?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was going to say, you know, talking about being aware. So we have to be in order to kind of figure out our triggers and our insecurities and our fears. We have to be aware of self-aware of those things and then communicate those things to each other, so we're both aware of each other's.
Speaker 2:Yeah and so, and not only aware of what those triggers are, but also love languages. And so love languages is a thing like you know I think Gary Chapman wrote the book and you know whether it's like an exact science or anything. I think it's generally true that most people have one of I think it's what five love languages, and so the idea is that you learn what makes the other person feel loved, and it's you know. Is it physical touch, non-sexual physical touch? Is it gift giving, giving someone a nice gift, being thoughtful? Is it acts of service? Is it words of affirmation? Is there fours or another one?
Speaker 1:It was five. I think it was five.
Speaker 2:I forget what they are, but mine I know what my love language is and I know what Candice's are and what you tend to do is you tend to try to show the other person the love language that appeals to you. So for mine it's words of affirmation, which is really weird because it's not like that for everybody. Like I really don't care if other people give me words of affirmation, it's only if Candice gives me words of affirmation, so like I could go to work and hear nobody like praise me or whatever, and I'm totally fine with that.
Speaker 1:I don't need an add up For everybody praise you or, but it doesn't affect me and it doesn't affect you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it doesn't affect me and I am sometimes weird about, like you know, it does. It feels nice to everybody, but it's only when Candice says something positive to where I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel so loved. Or if she says something negative, I feel so destroyed. And so what I try to do is I shower you with words of affirmation. I call you beautiful a million times a day and tell you how amazing you are and you're like, I don't care, clean the kitchen or take the trash out.
Speaker 1:I'm acts of service Because you're acts of service, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so that's your love language, and so you try to show your love language to me by cleaning up that.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's quality time. That's what it is, quality time.
Speaker 2:Ok, so yeah, so it's physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation acts of service and gift giving.
Speaker 2:OK, look up the book OK we're not really speaking, but generally speaking, if you're going to fight fair, it's understanding like, ok, maybe you haven't been feeling that person's love tank, you haven't been investing in the things that are making them feel loved, and so now there's this depleted account to where they don't feel loved, and now this thing is going to be exacerbated, it's going to seem really big. And so you tend to show me your love through acts of service and I appreciate it, but I can honestly she will say you don't even notice that I cleaned the whole house. I'm like I didn't notice. You Are you kidding me? It was a disaster and it's just. I'm oblivious to it. And so, being aware of the other person's love language and appealing to that, and if you haven't been feeding into that, then the likelihood of you guys getting into it but that kind of goes into.
Speaker 1:We didn't even have this on there. But I want to say this that whole happy wife, happy life thing is crap. It's crap. It's not Sean's responsibility. Yes, he needs to fill my love tank, I need to fill his. That's part of a marriage, but it's not his sole job. To make me happy, I need to find my ultimate contentment my happiness, my joy, my peace in Christ, and he's just an added bonus.
Speaker 2:I'll take it. Yeah, I mean, I think happy spouse, happy house is better, because happy wife, happy life is very one-sided and it's all about, oh, just make your women feel happy, and then the whole it's like nah come on it's mutual.
Speaker 2:It takes two For sure. So we're talking about fighting fair, and I think the love languages is a part of that. So understanding those, understanding their triggers and also the things that fill their love tanks, figure out what triggers them. So for us and then I think we talked about this in the second episode how we respond to crises, and so Candice is very much a verbal processor. I'm very much an analytical, internal processor, so she'll verbalize here's what the issue is and she needs to speak it out, and I'm like this is nagging.
Speaker 2:And this is not helpful and we're not going to get through this. By the way, you're doing this and if I internalize it, then you're like you don't care, you're not present, you're not invested, and so understanding that about each other and showing that again that environment of grace compassion OK.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have the grace. I respect your boundaries when you need to process, and yeah, we have here a change of perspective and compromise.
Speaker 2:What did you have in mind in that?
Speaker 1:So we always think that, ok, I need to compromise. We're both going to have times where we need to compromise, but instead of having the idea of, like, I always have to compromise or whatever the case is, change your perspective, like, instead, I'm changing my perspective to see from his point of view where he's coming from and so I can put, like you said, putting yourself in my shoes so that you can have that grace in that position.
Speaker 2:I think that a lot of people hear this compromise and the thing that we've heard in some of the people that we've counseled is I'm always the one who compromises, and they're taking advantage of this and they're taking it for granted. And now I'm not just the compromiser in this, I'm a doormat and they're walking all over it and they're not respecting it.
Speaker 1:So that's where proper communication comes in and setting boundaries. I think when you communicate, when you're over-communicating, hey, I feel like I say exactly that. But to your spouse, hey, I feel like you keep, I keep compromising, I feel like at this point I'm just a doormat for you. This is not OK. We need to discuss this and figure out a middle ground here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we have to say this too, that there has to come a point in time. If you guys are just finding it that you cannot fight fair, it always gets ugly, it always gets nasty. We're trying to implement some of these things and it just is not working. You have to bring somebody in. It's okay to bring somebody in, and this is where a faith community is really valuable. We've created this culture in the church to where people can kind of slip in and slip out, and you could.
Speaker 2:I remember distinctly. I remember one time at church and Pastor Coleman was giving a message about marriage, I believe it was, and at the end it was a very convicting message and at the end he was calling people to respond to the message. And if you are struggling in your marriage and this was the call he's like if you're struggling, if you feel like it's beyond repair, if you feel like you've gone past that point and you don't wanna give up and you wanna make it work, stand up and I wanna pray. And if you have the courage to stand up, and the people who stood, I was like, oh my gosh, these people right, the leaders in the church, and I don't know why I thought it's so uncommon, for even leaders, everybody can go through these things. But we've created a church culture to where people can slip in and slip out, have the Christian smile, give you the Christian side hug, and you'll never know that they're struggling that hard in their marriage.
Speaker 2:And so we're not supposed to. It's not supposed to be like that. You're supposed to be tightened it in a community able to be able to share your stuff. That's why at our church, at Ecclesia, we deeply believe in community. Our you know who we are? Statement is we are a diverse gathering of people who are madly in love with Jesus, deeply connected to each other and radically committed to the Great Commission. Deeply connected to each other only happens in community. When you're in close community, you cannot hide from your sin. People will see what's in your life, they'll see what's in your marriage and if they see red flags, they'll be able to be like, hey, how are you doing? Well, I'm actually struggling. And so if you guys are struggling beyond the point of you able to work it out together, bring somebody in. If you're not in that community, get in that community, do something to have people around you.
Speaker 1:Well, that's what saved our marriage is bringing people in at a certain point for accountability and help.
Speaker 2:There's been certain people in our faith community who walked alongside us. Candace snitched on me to one of my pastors. We got in a fight and she said I'm calling Pastor Rob. I said no, you're not. And she snitched on me, called one of my pastors and he calls me Sean. What are you doing? Why is your wife calling me? What are you doing? You acting up? I'm like all right. And then so they took us out and sat us down and we worked through stuff together. It's a blessing.
Speaker 1:We had a lot more deep rooted issues going on at that time, so we needed it and we were blessed to have that in our life.
Speaker 2:So we just did this the other day with somebody. There's a crisis point and people were having a hard time communicating and they just needed a third party to ask questions.
Speaker 1:The right questions yeah.
Speaker 2:And then let them speak and then say let me rearticulate what I think I heard you say. And then they said, yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say. And then the other person's like I never even heard it like that. And so sometimes it's just that lack of communication. If you're not able to do that, get outside help.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I was going to say also picking your battles. So, knowing what is something I want to kind of not fight over, but something I like. Hey, I really think we need to talk about this. This is really bothering me, or is it something that you're kind of just being nitpicky on and you're making a mountain out of a molehill?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a huge thing. So, yeah, choosing the hill you're going to die on, and you can't say I'm going to die on every hill. And some people are like that. They're just wired that way. Everything triggers them, everything's a big deal, everything just gets on their nerves and that's just not a healthy thing. So sometimes, yes, you are, there's going to be people in a relationship. One person might be very prideful and that's all that. They're always going to be triggered in going in on the other person. And sometimes I've seen it where the other person is the doormat. It takes someone. You have to be able to recognize that, be a little bit self-aware and be gracious. And again, if you're in community, people can kind of spot those things out.
Speaker 1:If you're in a good community, they will actually think right about this, because you shouldn't feel like I'm always compromising, but the reason I'm compromising is because they're nitpicky on every little thing I do. I can't do anything right, it's like OK, then that person needs to take a step back and we can go into the next part, which is, I was going to say, parent partner, not a parent.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so you put that in the notes. I was like what do you mean by that Partner, not a parent? And you explained it and I liked it, so explain it.
Speaker 1:So when we got married, I tried to control every aspect of what he did and where he goes and everything. And it was almost like I'm his mom, I'm his parent and vice versa, like he's telling me what I can and can't do. And we realized that we're partners, we're both adults. Now we can express to each other hey, this bothers me, or we need to set proper boundaries, or being self-aware, or communicating our insecurities or fears so that each other can protect each other, setting each other up for success in this. But it comes to a point in time where I am an adult and you're not my dad and I'm not your mom, and we have to relinquish control of each other and allow each other to be adults and make decisions and not be each other parents.
Speaker 2:The harsh reality is that true love opens itself up to be hurt, and control is trying to prohibit yourself from being hurt by making the other person not be in a position to where they can hurt you or do something that angers you, and that's not true love. You're not being loving. God gives us the freedom. He is true love and he gives us the choice. Here's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Here's the tree of life. I want you to choose this one, but I'm giving you the freedom to not, and that's what true love is. And also there's the story of grace in there, because we chose the wrong tree and God showed us the race and mercy. So again, it's not saying OK, well, we're going to just not ever talk about boundaries and not ever talk about what makes us feel insecure or those things. If Candice is saying, hey, if you do this particular thing, and this makes me feel insecure and I think she's being unreasonable and that shouldn't make you insecure and that has happened before that has happened before.
Speaker 2:But what is the loving thing for me to do? It's to, OK well, meet the weaker brother, the weaker sister where she is, and love her in that situation. But then we work through it and, by God's grace, you were able to get past your insecurities and we had that open and honest communication to where you're like you know what? This is not your issue, Sean, this is my issue.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, we used to yeah, we have to recognize what is our issue and not projected onto our spouse.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:And so there was a time where that did happen and you didn't give in to that control fear that I had and you said this is what I'm going to do. I hear you, I love you. That's not the case, so I'm going to do this.
Speaker 2:So put your foot down, man.
Speaker 1:No, there's a way of having boundaries and doing things. Everything should be done out of love and respect, but not allowing each other to control each other. And I actually wanted to say this because I mentored someone and she had mentioned of her fear of the reaction of her fiance. She said so she was kind of manipulating the situation and not being a completely upfront with him and honest with him, because he has insecurities and she was afraid of his reaction to what she was doing, which she wasn't doing anything wrong, she and so I had told her his insecurities, those are his issues. Now you, by you manipulating situation or not completely telling the truth?
Speaker 1:is feeding into those fears and insecurities. But so you need to be open and honest and communicate the truth, and if he reacts in a poor way, then that's his issue. You can't allow his insecurities and fear to project onto you by the decisions you're making right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And it becomes a slippery slope when you start to try to like deceive. I mean, that's it's. You know it's a gray area than it, like an inch, becomes a mile and you start to lie on bigger things. You know um yeah, you don't want to have a relationship built on deception. Yeah, it's better to have those things.
Speaker 1:So I know that that goes both ways, because I know a lot of men who say they can't tell their wives simple things. Or I'm going to are telling them hey, I'm going to go do this, like it could be just going hang out with the guys. The girls have a fit because they have insecurities or fears, and so they're trying to control the situation, and so the men tend to not tell the women the full story or they end up giving in because they don't want to fight, and so they end up being miserable because they can't be themselves and have the freedom to make decisions on their own.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, and I've counseled with, with guys who, um, are aware of their position of authority and power, you know, strength over the woman, as the woman being the, uh, the weaker vessel physically, you know more vulnerable, maybe emotionally, more, um, sensitive, and and and maybe the in in their marriage, uh, the wife is very insecure about certain things and can't let the husband, um, go. We'll just say, uh, to hang out with gobbly fellowship or something like that, and just like constantly hit it like where are you at, where are you at, uh, and then they'll just cater to that insecurity and then they'll kind of die on the inside because, like, oh my gosh, I'm always like compromising in this situation and I think, again, it's part of communicating those things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and not allowing um the, your partner, to really put their insecurities on you, project those and then control the situation. You're not doing them any help by allowing that yeah, Cause then they can't grow.
Speaker 2:So, again, we're talking in terms of ideals here. And, if you can, if you're at an impasse and you've talked through these things and you've been able to articulate them and you just cannot make it work, this is where outside help is vital. This is where you come to your pastors, your uh, trusted friends, we, we look at people who've been married for a long time and who've been through it, and you have to look at the fruit on the tree. Don't be looking in the wrong place. That's a big thing too. Uh, a reason that we fought a lot early on in our marriage, um, was we were going to the wrong sources for advice. If I have an issue with Candice and I'm going to a buddy who's telling me, oh man, there's plenty of fish in the sea then and she's tripping, um, that's not a good place to get marital advice from. Uh, you need to go to someone who's willing and not afraid to check you when you're wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that goes with the girls too, candice, I love sending women to Candice because a lot of times I see it in women, women's groups. I see this a lot in women's counseling. When the woman has, uh, when there's an issue, it's always will. Let's protect the woman. She's the uh, the weaker vessel and and usually people side with the woman and kind of gang up against the guy. And I've seen it to where you are okay with seeing through the fluff and speaking directly to it because you've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and everything, and so, um, you do have to be careful who you're getting counsel from.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amen, yeah, so send him to Candice. I wouldn't say send him to me, I don't have it all together.
Speaker 2:Okay. This note here says don't let the sun go down in your anger. Right, the, the word of God tells us don't let the sun go down on your anger, and what this means. What this doesn't mean, is that you have to resolve every conflict before you go to bed.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It means don't let the sun go down on your anger, so you don't have to be angry and go, but you can still like amicably ever done that. Amicably agree to disagree. We're gonna shelf this conversation right now. I've had to do that like babe, I'm just worn out with this and we're clearly not gonna see things the same way on this. Can we just go to bed and just like I love you and we'll pick this back up? And sometimes it's hard, but I think sometimes it has to go to that.
Speaker 1:So when, when it says, don't let this, I think most fights, though, that go to that point, or people, just each other is not feeling heard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, no, because, like, I'm so full of logic that there's no possible way that she's Understanding the situation. So I just have to more clearly articulate the situation in a way that you just agree with me, because there's no way that you're Disagreeing with me if you just understand my logic. And then I've tried it. Five, six.
Speaker 1:It's funny how that, how that goes, is it's right? Well, she's the emotional one. Um, we're both talking out of emotion, yeah as I'm angry and yelling.
Speaker 2:Yeah so, so that I mean, that's the idea is like I I'm not arguing, I'm passionately explaining why I'm right and there's no way that you are gonna disagree with what I'm saying, if you really understood it, my from my perspective. So let me just try to give you my perspective multiple different ways, and I do, and you're like I just I hear what you're saying and I don't agree. Okay, well, where do you go from here?
Speaker 2:Yeah it's midnight. I got work in the morning. You know, Babe, can we put a pin in this for right? Now and love each other and just understand. This is kind of where we're leaving this. And we've had to do this even recently, yeah, where we just we're disagreeing about a certain thing and we just could not come to the same conclusion and we still loved each other, and what do we do?
Speaker 1:I don't think we picked it back up for probably about a week you know it's funny as you're talking about this, I'm thinking because this actually happens in relationships with family members and I'm so used to like I'm not, like I'm arguing, but it's coming like from a loving heart, like it's not in my mind. I'm like we're just arguing, like this is normal. You can Arque you and have conversations that you disagree on and it not be a big deal or hold the grudge or have an issue shattering, yeah, so I'm so used to these conversations, not which is with you, but with certain family members that are able to have these conversations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've seen you and your family getting the knockdown, drag-out fights and right after love, you guys be totally fine. Yeah, sometimes not right after, but still like I mean it's, yeah, it's. It is kind of strange, but I think is so. The idea here is don't let the sun go down your anger Like. It's just not a good idea to go to bed really angry with one another.
Speaker 2:And so that doesn't mean you have to go to bed agreeing with one another. Someone has to be the bigger person and you can't always expect the other one to be it. Someone's got to take the higher road, which is the lower road. You got to be humble, eat your humble pie and Shut your mouth, and we can't always expect it and hope for it to be the other person.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's got to be, and sometimes we need to leave each other alone so that God can deal with our hearts. Yeah and then we're like dang it All right. I'm sorry, I was actually in the wrong for this, you know, but it's not gonna come by him or me, whichever one. Vice versa, like drilling each other sometimes she'll apologize a week later. No, I haven't taken a week, has it?
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't know maybe I think you know what I say. Sorry, 10 times more than Candice this? No, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1:Well, that's cuz you're always wrong.
Speaker 2:I walked myself into that one, okay, last. The last point I have here is Fighting in front of the kids. Okay, I Used to think like you should never fight in front of the kids. Now, you should never get ugly and discuss thing in front of the kids. You shouldn't do that, period.
Speaker 2:But I think it's healthy to show your kids what healthy conflict resolution looks like, and so if they never see mom and dad fight, you're not preparing your children to deal with conflict. And so my kids, they need to see me and mom get into it and they need to see me at times repent and they've seen that to where I said, hey, what I did and the way I handled that and the way I responded to your mom Was not right and I repent and I asked for your forgiveness and I asked for mom's forgiveness. And I've had to do that why? Because I don't want them, I want them to follow in that same suit to where it's like, hey, you're not always right, you don't always do the right thing and you have to own it, take ownership and humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. I've even asked for forgiveness from my kids when I've Disciplined them out of anger or rage rather than out of love. And so, yeah, fighting in front of kids. What is your perspective on that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I agree 100% amen amen. All right but I mean going further than that People. One of the reasons we didn't talk about that is fighting Is people fight over kids. People fight over how to discipline their kids and yeah, so the in marriage the common air is.
Speaker 2:The common theme in the air is that my kids come first and that's biblically not true. The husband wife relationship comes first and the kids are the byproduct of a loving relationship between a husband and a wife. When we took the the course growing kids God's way, one of the most valuable Takeaways that I got from that was the most loving gift that you could give your kids. One of the best gifts that you could give your kids is the safety and security knowing that mom and dad love each other. It is not my kids become the end-all, be-all to our family, and then we are supposed to be able to, you know, use our marriage to support the kids. It's like no, no, this is a complete family.
Speaker 2:The male female union. Man leaves his father, mother, cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh. That is a complete family in and of itself. And then we are commanded to be fruitful and multiplying. Then we have kids, and so the Husband wife relationship dynamic is more important in the household than the parents and the kids, and people don't like that, people don't agree with it, but it's biblical and it's also more practically helpful. When you actually do that. It's helpful more for the kids when they see that in the household.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's like so much that goes into parenting. You know, and you, we have to be on the same page, we have to communicate, have Mom and dad time. They have to see all of those things. We have dates, we. So if we're like in the backyard and we're hanging out and they want to come out and they're like, hey, we want to hang out, there's a time for that. Right now it's mom and dad time and and when we are done we will hang out with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you will set yourself up for failure and we'll talk another episode about parenting. But you will set yourself up for failure when you put your kids above your marriage. Your marriage comes first and your kids are the loving byproduct of your marriage. So just in recapping where we are so far, Well, hold on real quick.
Speaker 1:I just want to add to this Figuring out, being on the same page, though, as far as discipline so that you're not fighting over that. Right, you guys need to get on the same page, figure out what's what works for the both of you, but mainly go to scripture. Let scripture be your guidance on how to discipline your children and how to parent. Yeah, and I think that's.
Speaker 2:I will do a whole episode on parenting, probably tours, you know we'll have a few more under our belt, because not everybody is. It has kids, that is married, but it is important because kids become a big, they're a huge aspect of your marriage and so, okay, recapping so far the idea of the perfect marriage, the having no conflict, that's just, it's absurd. You're gonna have conflict. It's not the absence of conflict, but the resolution of conflict. Why do we fight? Because of fear, hurt and insecurities, and so one of the things you have to do is understand what your spouses triggers are, as well as what their love languages are. Have you been filling their love tank with their love language by appealing to their love language? Have you been unintentionally triggering them by your actions? And so being aware of what their triggers are, being aware of what their love languages are, and then creating that environment of grace which prefers the other above themselves, understanding what that hurt cycle is. If there's some relational crisis, some crisis in the marriage, it doesn't even have to be between you Some crisis that we have to deal with Now. There's a feeling of hurt, and that hurt, coupled with insecurity and fear, turns into a response of anger. That response of anger turns into hurt and then the cycle continues. So being aware of where you are in the hurt cycle Again, the parenting, the partnering not parent you cannot control.
Speaker 2:A loving relationship does not try to control the other person, but allows the freedom to even be hurt, and so you guys are partners together. You are not the parent. You cannot control the situation. Don't let the sun go down on your anger doesn't mean you have to resolve every conflict before you go to bed. It just means that sometimes you have to put a shelf. Put it on the shelf and pick it back up later, go to bed lovingly and then, you know, give yourself enough time to adequately maybe process and think through it. For us sometimes it's been a couple days, sometimes it's been a couple of weeks. But don't let the sun go down in your anger. Trust that, even if we don't come to the resolution of this tonight, we love each other. We're not going to let this be a hindrance in our marriage and we're going to put this away.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean I'm going to give you the cold shoulder and treat you terribly Until you see this my way.
Speaker 2:So don't let the sun go down your anger. It's okay to be the one to take the lower or the higher road, which is the low road. Be humble. You can't expect the other person to do it. Change your perspective, be willing to compromise and, of course, if you have children, exemplify what it is to have healthy conflict resolution in your marriage to your kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah amen.
Speaker 2:It's a good episode, babe. Yeah, would you pray for our audience? I want to end with a prayer. Would you pray? Sure, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, heavenly Father, we just lift up this time to you. God, I pray that every single person that was listening, father, that you would just help their marriage. God, I pray that they would take, they would get into your word and take every little thing. God, that you say, god, and apply it. Father, I pray that they would get in the community, that they can be open, transparent and communicate to each other, to their spouses and to people, and that you would just restore marriages, father, we thank you in Jesus' name, amen.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen Good job.
Speaker 1:Go team.