We kick off with a deep dive into relational connection, emphasizing the importance of shared experiences and memories. Then, we navigate the intricacies of spiritual connection, addressing the challenges faced when partners are at different levels of spiritual inclination. We also stress the importance of recognizing and understanding the current season of life you're in, as this is vital for maintaining connection. As we progress, we tackle emotional connection, exploring how openness and transparency can serve as the cornerstones of trust and intimacy.a
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We're Sean and Candace Tambagahan and this is the Mission of Marriage Podcast! Have you ever been at a crossroads in your marriage, wondering if there's any hope for restoration? We've walked through some rocky patches ourselves. Our marital journey has taught us about perseverance, grace, and the infinite love of God. And it's these lessons we strive to share with you, to help navigate the trials and tribulations of marriage. We don't claim to have all the answers, but we do have some tools and insights that might just help you on your journey.
We kick off with a deep dive into relational connection, emphasizing the importance of shared experiences and memories. Then, we navigate the intricacies of spiritual connection, addressing the challenges faced when partners are at different levels of spiritual inclination. We also stress the importance of recognizing and understanding the current season of life you're in, as this is vital for maintaining connection. As we progress, we tackle emotional connection, exploring how openness and transparency can serve as the cornerstones of trust and intimacy.a
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.
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We're Sean and Candace Tambagahan and this is the Mission of Marriage Podcast! Have you ever been at a crossroads in your marriage, wondering if there's any hope for restoration? We've walked through some rocky patches ourselves. Our marital journey has taught us about perseverance, grace, and the infinite love of God. And it's these lessons we strive to share with you, to help navigate the trials and tribulations of marriage. We don't claim to have all the answers, but we do have some tools and insights that might just help you on your journey.
My name is Sean, I'm Candice and this is the Mission of Marriage podcast.
Speaker 2:We talk about a Christian perspective on having a better marriage.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:Welcome to episode six of the Mission of Marriage podcast. How you doing, babe.
Speaker 1:Good, tired today because just been running around with the kids. They have football, it's football season, so there's practice or games every day.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it's like a crazy busy season right now, yeah, but we're going to give the people what they want. We're going to be energetic, even though we're both tired and exhausted, and it's two hours past, when we normally start filming, because we've been going nonstop since this morning. But we're going to be energetic high energy because today's topic is super important.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What are we talking about?
Speaker 1:Let's talk about ways to connect in your marriage.
Speaker 2:Ways to connect in your marriage. Now there's a disclaimer. Now this is a marriage podcast, so we're assuming that people listening watching are adults. They are married couples. However, maybe people are listening or watching in their car with their kids or around their kids, and so in this particular podcast, we are giving the disclaimer If you are around kids, you might want to pause it and revisit it later, because we are going to be talking about some adult subjects in this. We're going to try to keep it as PG 13.
Speaker 1:Pg.
Speaker 2:PG.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:PG? No, I don't think he I mean I mean PG 13 is pretty bad these days.
Speaker 1:Okay, like 1990s, pg 13.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, okay, hopefully by now they've had enough time to push pause at their around kids.
Speaker 1:We're not talking about that subject till the end.
Speaker 2:Yes, It'll be towards the end. But we are talking about ways to connect. And you can't talk about connecting in marriage without talking about physically or specifically sexually connecting in marriage. And so it's not the only way to connect. And so we're going to talk about at least four ways to connect in your marriage. And so you know the Bible says that when a man and wife, when a man and woman get together, the two become one. So what does that mean? That means God's math makes no sense. One plus one doesn't equal two, it equals one. The two become one. That means we are connected, we're supposed to be joined and united in a way that is unique right. When God created Adam, it was not good that he should be alone. And he parades all the animals in front of him and Adam names him, has authority over him, but he's like there's no one for me. There's this, you know, I'm kind of by myself. And then, finally, God makes a helper suitable for him and he says that's very good.
Speaker 1:That's very good.
Speaker 2:And for this reason a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and the two become one. And so we do live in a sinful, fallen world where the two who have become one don't act like one, they're not connected, they're disconnected, and that's not good. The ideal is for the two literally to become one. And so how do you connect? And so there's four categories. There's relationally, spiritually, emotionally and physically that you ought to connect in your marriage, and we're going to talk first about the category of relational connection. So we're starting with this one, because I think it's probably the most unexpected one, I think I don't know, of connecting relationally.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Are you going to say something or?
Speaker 1:you want me to keep going. I'm waiting till you're done, okay.
Speaker 2:I could be done.
Speaker 1:No, no, okay, I'll keep going.
Speaker 2:Okay, so relationally. So when I see a lot of husbands and wives I don't like me and Candice are literally best friends, so I have my guy friends, but Candice is really my best friend. And when I see some couples I see them as married but I don't see them as like being friends and connecting on a relational level and so almost like people just kind of play to their positions and they play to their roles and I'm the husband, I do my thing, the wife does her thing, and they might go on date nights and have like the romance, but just the friendship and connecting relationally as a friend just isn't there. And I think that part of connection, part of the two becoming one, is connecting relationally. There was this study done on couples who were together for 20 plus years and after 20 plus years we're still very much in love with each other. And one of the things that was the common denominator between every single one of these couples that were surveyed was that they did things together. They did things together.
Speaker 2:There's this threefold aspect of planning, like it was just so you're going on a trip, you're planning, you're looking forward to something. So me and Candice, when we plan something together, we're doing this, we're looking forward, we're building up anticipation, we're building up excitement, and then we do the things, we experience the thing together, we start to build memories and then after that, then we can sit back and we can recall those memories. So there's the anticipation, there's the experience and then there's the recollection, and building as many of those things as possible connects you guys relationally. Yeah, I'll stop talking and so why don't people?
Speaker 2:connect relationally, do you think?
Speaker 1:I think the biggest reason is people have the excuse of well, we have little kids, and so for us, we have always incorporated our kids to some degree. There are times that we do things without the kids, have fun without them, have date nights without them, whatever, but for the most part, like we've kind of always incorporated them into our time of hanging out and whatever that looks like.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think a lot of people think that it's not hanging out if you have the kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And, just like I said, we I don't think that at all Like we put together enjoy each other, but we also enjoy hanging out with our kids and that is even us connecting relationally. I think that also, like in the beginning of a relationship, when people are courting or dating or whatever they're doing they hang out as friends, like they like. Somehow something along the way is lost.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's like I need to go have a brunch with my girlfriends or whatever, because I need me time or which we do need those times. But I'm trying to get some brunch to yeah like why not do it together, like so for me, I'm like I would rather go with Sean, that's right Places and do things.
Speaker 2:We have fun.
Speaker 1:He's a good company.
Speaker 2:I want avocado toast, I want that salmon stuff, I want the bagels, I want the million dollar bacon.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's fun, we have fun together. I think that that's the difference is that when you have the mentality of I'm having fun when I'm with my friends, but, my spouse is just my spouse. There's that role and it's like no, your spouse is supposed to be your friend.
Speaker 2:So by relationally connected, we're talking like, in very simple terms, have fun together. There's something that happens when people are dating, when they're courting, you guys have fun and then you get serious and then you get bored and you stop having fun with one another and you start to have kids and you have all these excuses. It's like no, just rekindle some of that excitement by doing things and having fun together. So we have this actual list. We were talking last night like what are some of the things that we do for fun? And we list it like not everything. We just stopped after a while because like holy crap we do a lot of things together.
Speaker 2:So, given idea of just some of the things. So there's the expensive things, obviously. So, like Candice is a Disneyland freak, so and she will go to Disneyland without the kids. Yes, so of course we will go to Disneyland with the kids, but I think we've done trips just you and me.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:To Disneyland. Yeah, we've gone ziplining in. What is it? Santa Margarita, that was fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we took the kids to that one.
Speaker 2:So these are like the expensive things that you kind of like plan well in advance for you save up, and you can't do that all the time unless you're loaded like we are. Right no we plan for these things. But there's the inexpensive things, right, and then there's also the very the free things, and so day trips. Once you go through some of the what are some of your, you have the list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, day trips going to the beach for the day and just we love to boogie board and we again all the things, all the things I'm on a list is going to be where we have done it, just me and him, and then we've also done these things with the kids. So we've done everything with the kids that we've done, just me and you. So, going to the beach for the day, boogie boarding and just walking around and just enjoying the beach. It's beautiful. Hiking in the mountains we love to hike, and so you're talking about just day trips like yeah, so I mean we're very privileged in the sense that we live in Central California.
Speaker 2:So we're like 45 minutes away from the most beautiful mountains you can ever see, and so we could go hiking there. We're a couple hours away from Paso Robles or from Central Coast, and so we could go this way and go hiking.
Speaker 1:And then when it's snowing we go up to the snow and we go to the snow, we go sledding or yeah, yeah, just place in the snow.
Speaker 2:I'm a snowboarder and so when we go to the snow it's a tragedy that I just play in the snow and I don't get to go snowboarding. But sometimes we'll do it to where I get to go, take a couple runs. We'll go to China Peak or something like that but it's fun Just taking these day trips.
Speaker 2:We've done things like mini golf, bowling. We go to the farmers market here locally. Sometimes we'll just walk around and don't even really buy anything. You just walk around, I mean we're going to buy something, but no intention of like going to the movies lavishly buying stuff. Yeah, go to the movies, window shopping.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I said people watching. She said we don't people watch, we just judge people when we walk around.
Speaker 1:It doesn't count.
Speaker 2:Well, no, we don't do that.
Speaker 1:I mean, we've done it a couple times, so looking at your list yeah, night walking just in our neighborhood. Sometimes we'll just go walking, sometimes we'll just sit in our backyard Last, night we were.
Speaker 2:she said you want to sit on the swing with me and we have a little swing on our front patio and I'm like, okay, sure. So we sat on the swing and just hung out and we talked.
Speaker 1:We would like to laugh at reels we watch memes and reels together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my buddy Ben, like his job, his duty is to send me like 58 reels in a day, and so if I'm ever bored me and Candice will just sit there and we'll open it and watch him together.
Speaker 2:So we go night night walking. We'll do barbecue. So on a weekend, like I'll just go to the meat market buy some food and we barbecue, listen to music together, just having fun. The stuff that you would think that you would do with friends, do it together, relationally connect to something that you're planning, something that you're experiencing. You're building these memories, you're recalling them. We take family trips to go camping. We go to the lake. If we weren't good Baptists, some people they'd go to like breweries and wineries. I've heard of such things but we would never.
Speaker 1:We would never, no, we would never go to things like that.
Speaker 2:But I've heard of people doing such things again, with or without kids, and so like even I think I don't know when we started taking the kids on our anniversaries those, what three?
Speaker 1:It's been a few years that we started doing that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and it's been some people that might be like for us, the way we think we love our kids, we hang out with our kids, we enjoy our kids, but they are like the fruit of our love together. And so we just one year were like, hey, do you guys want to go out with us on our anniversary? And they were like yeah. So we got all dressed up fancy and we went to this really nice restaurant and the kids loved it. They dressed up, they suited up and they we, they you know wine and dine and obviously they're not wine and dining, but it had the you know this, the whole experience that we would have on our anniversary. And so doing stuff like that, I don't discount it if it's with the kids.
Speaker 1:We're having fun together, we're relationally and when they were really little. So I wouldn't recommend taking your little little children out to a really nice fancy restaurant because that could be distracting, but going camping the beach, like everything we've done has been with the kids being babies like we have raised them up doing all these things with us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the last thing here, before we go to connecting spiritually while we're staying on relationally, I just put here, we're swall-mates.
Speaker 1:Oh swall-mates, I was like what? Because we work out together, we have a home chain. Okay, what does that mean?
Speaker 2:It's fun, we get to sweat. You know, candice has her own way of working out, I have my way of working out, but we'll do it together. We'll do it will be in our jail or we'll go to the local gym and we work out together. So anyway, you figure out what that looks like for your relationship. But there was something in the in the beginning that you guys had kindled that relationship. You had fun, you were friends, you're best friends and don't let that die. If you let that die, you can rekindle it, plan something together, go on something, build up these experiences together. Okay, so I think that's good relational connection. The next one is spiritual, spiritual connection. I feel convicted that our spiritual connection list is like way shorter than our relational connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah but for a Christian everything is spiritual, so there you go we pray before we go.
Speaker 1:We pray before we go on any trip.
Speaker 2:Actually, we do In the car, yes, so what are some of the ways husbands and wives connect spiritually, or maybe some of the things that like why don't they connect spiritually?
Speaker 1:Well, I want to. How? To? I would say not how, because I don't have the answer for that Well, I, have some ideas, you know well at least one idea.
Speaker 2:So I think one thing that might stop couples from connecting spiritually is that they're not spiritually on the same page, or maybe one is more of like the spiritual leader and the other one is kind of like not really into it. I've tried things, you know, when I'm like super spiritual and Candice is very carnal.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just to where.
Speaker 2:I tried doing things that just weren't connecting spiritually. I'm like, hey, let's do a Bible study, and you're like I don't want to do that with you, right. But then we do things like read the word together, and then I try to do things like I think we had to find our spiritual rhythm, because I think at first what I was trying to do was like disciple you by teaching you and sitting you down like a classroom kind of setting, and it wasn't received well.
Speaker 1:And I don't, I don't recall that this was.
Speaker 2:there was a few times where I had like, intentionally like I try and I like your mind maybe, and I talked about my accountability groups and everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's super basic and I already knew that. I'm glad you got that revelation though.
Speaker 2:So the point is that the times where I've tried to be like overly intentional, to where this is going to be formal, it didn't work. But when it comes in the natural rhythm of our everyday life, that's how we're connected.
Speaker 1:We do. Sometimes we're just both in the word at the same time. We're like hey, what are you reading? Let's, let's read together. And you want to read where I'm at? Yeah, I'll just go to where you are and then we'll discuss that topic or whatever.
Speaker 2:So I think the way Candice and I and I think this, everything that we're going to be talking about today is going to be very personal to you in your situation. We're just speaking from our experience and so glean what you can from it. But spiritually, we pray, we are prayer partners and so, like she'll text me, I'm stressed out, I'm dealing with this and that.
Speaker 2:Pray for me, and you know things and I'll do the same kind of thing. So, like texting, when we're going through something, we do read the word together. Like I have my own personal Bible reading time, she has her own. Like I'm studying John, I'm just stuck in John, I'm reading Proverbs and John, you're in Isaiah, or you just finished Isaiah, one of Jeremiah's one of the profits.
Speaker 2:Anyway. So we're not reading like our personal times together, but she'll be reading and I might be reading and I'll be like you want me to read one of your chapters and you know you'll do the same thing to mine. We intentionally talk about theology.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we don't, yeah, we might not use the word theology.
Speaker 2:No but like what do you believe about this? It's easier for me because I teach every week like, hey, I'm preaching on this, what do you think? And so I'm actively engaged in spiritual conversations, or we are actively engaged in spiritual conversations. Talk about what we believe about the Bible. It's insane how many believers that are couples don't know where their wife or husband stand on certain things. I'm like you guys should be talking about these things, that's kind of important.
Speaker 1:We talk about everything, our beliefs on everything, and we don't always agree on everything. No To the T and that's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 2:I would say can't. I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong and that's not helpful.
Speaker 1:No, no, okay, you don't like that one.
Speaker 2:So no, there's been things that we disagree with theologically and we try to work through those things and it gets me really angry because I'm like yeah, he gets really passionate about when we're disagreeing about scripture. Remember, I'm not arguing, I'm passionately explaining why I'm correct, you're correct.
Speaker 2:So we talk about theology, we talk about what God is speaking to us. The Holy Spirit is alive and living and he's inside of us. What's God leading you through? The questions that I always ask myself is what season are we in right now? Like you know, babe, how would you feel I know you don't have to answer right now, but, like we'll have these conversations when do you feel God has us right now? How would you describe the season that we're in? And then, what is God speaking to you in this season?
Speaker 2:That's a great conversation starter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is, and it always gets me going.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and sometimes, pretty much every time, candice has these deep insights that I didn't even think about it like that, because she has her way of thinking and I have my way. And so where does God have us in this season? What is he speaking to you? So connecting spiritually, that way, planning?
Speaker 1:and having vision. I was going to say every decision we make, major decision, we're both praying together on those decisions and most of the time we are connected in, where we're hearing God kind of say the same thing to us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when we vision together, like we're playing, like what is the vision that God has given us? What is the direction that we're going as a family? That's a spiritual connection. We worship together. I mean, it does help that she's a worship leader and she can do that, but we'll sing songs to Jesus together. I put here, complain and vent, just leaving room for that and then praying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Kind of complaining and venting to each other, but giving each other perspective through the word of God and then, praying together through it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I've had to learn to not try to correct everything too, and we'll talk more about that on the emotional connection. But the idea is like man, you're going through something tough, like make space to allow your spouse to complain and vent, and then we've gone through that and then you're like let's pray. Or I'll say let's pray, and that's connecting spiritually, that's seeing the situation that we're in, the circumstances that we're in, allowing our thoughts to kind of come out and then speaking the truth of God to those through prayer. And so those are different ways we could connect spiritually, and the last one that I have here is serving together.
Speaker 1:That's a big one.
Speaker 2:You want to talk a little bit about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we serve in every capacity. We serve at the mission together, we serve in the church together, and we do different things, we have different roles in what we're doing, but yet we're serving together. We're on the same mission with the same mindset, same vision.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and what we found is that when you're living on mission meaning you're serving the needs of other people outside of just yourself- a lot of people have very self-centered lives, to where their lives are all just wrapped up with themselves. But if you kind of get outside of yourself and you give yourself to the service of other people, a lot of the other trivial, frivolous things kind of fall to the wayside and you get a broadened perspective of life and the things that are most important when you're serving together.
Speaker 2:So like she said, we serve on the rescue of the children, we evangelize, we serve at the church together. We plan guys' nights and girls' nights together. Like I have my own guys' nights, she has her girls' nights.
Speaker 1:We do them separate, but we're still both planning the same thing In the worship. We are on the worship team together, correct so, and that's always nice for me. I always enjoy having that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, whatever church size you guys it were a small church, some bigger churches they have like couples greeting together or serving in some kind of serving in children's together. We did at the word when we were there, I would teach and she would lead worship sometimes, and so we would do that together, serving together in the church. So serving in the church and serving out, doing ministry outside of the church, and so connecting relationally, intentionally planning, having fun, connecting spiritually, prayer, allowing room to vent, reading the word together, having those intentional spiritual conversations, serving together. And then connecting in the third category, emotionally, emotionally. So I think a lot of we've been here to where we feel emotionally disconnected, to where we're not communicating. I think all emotional connection comes down to communication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would agree with that.
Speaker 2:It all comes down to communication, and so the question is if you're not connected emotionally, what type of communication are you having in the marriage? Where is the pitfall and how do you address that? How do you communicate in a way that does allow you to connect emotionally? The point is, you have to be intentional. It doesn't just happen Just because we're in the same house together, just because we live together and we see each other all the time, does not mean that we're going to be automatically communicating. We've gone through seasons where we're not connected emotionally. It's because we're just passing each other by in the house. We're strangers under the same roof, strangers in the same bed. I'm doing my thing, I'm in my own head, you're doing your thing, you're in your own head and we're just distant. We've been there and we've done that. However, when we've intentionally said, no, we're going to talk, we're going to communicate, we're going to be intentional, that's when we started connecting emotionally. I think. Openness and transparency we talked about that. You want to talk a little bit?
Speaker 1:about that. So I think the emotional part of it we've kind of talked about that in some other podcasts just being open, transparent, talking about everything Again going back to talking about your fears, your goals, where you are like within that week or that month just, yeah, being open about where you are, if you're.
Speaker 1:There's times where I'm stressed and I'm feeling distant from him and I'll just tell him that, like I don't expect him to read my mind, it doesn't work that way. That's why it's very important to communicate. I'll tell him hey, I'm feeling distant from you, I'm feeling stressed, I'm feeling this, I'm just completely open and communicate that with you. And then, once that's communicated, then we sit and we talk and we work through whatever we need to work through.
Speaker 2:So about the open and honest communication? One of the deepest human needs is the need to be known, the need to be seen. We do have a sinful nature that wants to cover up and to hide our shame, just like Adam and Eve hid their shame in the garden. So there's this aspect of ourselves, like we have this deep desire to be known and to be seen. But we have this sinful nature to where we want to cover and To hide, and so we're kind of like shooting ourselves in the foot. But there's something transcendent and something spiritual that happens when you can Take off the fig leaves and be vulnerable.
Speaker 2:Yeah and Candice knows me closer than anybody knows me. She's seen me in my best. She's seen me in my worst. I've been able to be vulnerable and transparent. She sees me and knows me like nobody else does, and there's something transcendent that happens when we're able to be vulnerable, but that Assumes a high level of trust, yeah, and confidentiality. Yeah you don't share all my stuff With everybody, and I don't share your stuff with anybody too, right? And so I think that is a big part of it.
Speaker 1:Some women, some men yeah like to put all their spouses stuff on blast To other people, and that's not cool, and I've seen two different things happen and I had to really Check myself in certain areas too, about over sharing with women, because when women get together, they tend to want to talk about Everything about their spouse. Their downfalls, then, and what's irritating them about them or their stresses with their spouses, or Just a little bit too much information and can't.
Speaker 2:I can't relate. I got a perfect husband.
Speaker 1:And you know and I, I would get caught in that Pit as well.
Speaker 2:You did. Who did you tell what back?
Speaker 1:in the day, and so I had to really check myself and make sure I was not doing those things, and so instead, I communicate to my Spouse about these things and we talk through these things.
Speaker 2:I don't need to share these things with other people now, and there's also a thin line, because there is getting counsel and there's getting advice. But if you're like, hey, I'm getting counsel from all of my girlfriends all the time, you're just gossiping, you're talking smack on your husband and you're just venting about it, and so yeah, there, if you're, if your spouse, your husband or your wife, they're sharing something vulnerable about themselves. There's something that's been exposed. You know there's an aspect of not hiding from. You know there's something that needs to be exposed to the church leadership or just something like that.
Speaker 2:We're not talking about that, we're just talking about the private things that we we show in all Confidentiality and in transparency, there's a level of trust that needs to be earned in the marriage. And so if you're not connecting emotionally, maybe you have trust issues or maybe you're not trustworthy.
Speaker 1:With the information and so or maybe your response hasn't always been open to hearing your spouse out and yeah, that being just defensive or are reflecting back on the other person? And yeah, I would take a lot of things personal, the.
Speaker 2:the automatic response that I have is if I feel canister's attacking me is, I'm gonna defend, and Sometimes it's not an attack, it's a concern, sometimes it is an attack and she's hurt and she'll respond. We talked about them the last episode, about fighting fair but kind of putting the pride down and and not Making a safe space for you guys to talk about real stuff. Okay, so openness and transparency be vulnerable, confidential, um venting, the ability to vent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think we discovered that kind of yeah, well, not it.
Speaker 2:Not everything needs to be solved, I think is the point. Oh, that's where you're going, so yeah, like I, I've had to differentiate between is this something we're trying to fix and you want my feedback on this, or do you just need me to listen and you have to tell me and I'll tell you yeah usually I'll be like no, I just want you to listen. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm not ready to hear the truth right now.
Speaker 2:It's how, and sometimes there's been a few days later where you like say what I was thinking and I'm like, okay, cool, we kind of landed there, you in the moment, you just need to vent again, I'm the verbal processor. So I put talking through things to problem solve. So again, we already kind of touched on that Resolving conflicts in a safe environment and then also not shutting each other down.
Speaker 2:So, I am used to fast decision-making, I have a fast-paced lifestyle. I have a company with, you know, 10 employees. I have, you know, a bunch of different clients. Each one of those clients and projects that we're working on, with a million different projects, have their own complexities, and so you, every day, all day, I'm like problem solve it. I'm bombarded with things and I'm paid for my brain, and so I have to solve problems fast. Candice does not want that in the household.
Speaker 1:No, if I come to you with hey, I'm thinking about this. There's been times where simple.
Speaker 2:Let's do this.
Speaker 1:You're like no and I'm like whoa, whoa. Before you say no, maybe you're going to come to that same conclusion. But at least hear me out first, let's discuss it and then at least give me some explanation of why you're saying no to maybe help me get on that same page versus just like no, right?
Speaker 2:So the ability to not just shut things down but to actually communicate. So these are things just tools that we've had to learn, that help us connect relationally, spiritually and emotionally. The last thing is physically.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right. So connecting physically, so we want to connect relationally, we want to connect spiritually, emotionally. I really want to connect physically?
Speaker 1:No, this is the part where everybody is you know I make the joke.
Speaker 2:You know Jesus is blushing. He's like oh my gosh. No, the sex is.
Speaker 1:God created it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's very important, it's extremely important, and I don't know why we have such a hard time talking about this in the church. I mean, we want to try to keep it appropriate, right and, you know, not inappropriate. But sex is not just like this cool byproduct. They're like oh, this is a happy accident we get to do this thing, like God created this for a reason, and so we have this passage in 1 Corinthians 7 that I always quote to Candace Just kidding.
Speaker 2:It says now, in response to the matters I wrote to you about it's not good for a man to have sexual relations with a woman. Now he's talking about sexual immorality Somebody's not married to, but because of sexual immorality so common, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife and each woman should have sexual relations with her own husband. This is a good thing, right? Husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise a wife to her husband. This is not a suggestion, this is a duty, and it's not just a duty on her behalf, it's a duty on my behalf to serve Candace. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Now, this is a radical statement in first century Roman Empire to tell a husband that his wife also has ownership of him. Like it made sense. Like the wife doesn't own her own body, but the husband rules her. There, everybody knows that. But no, no, no, in the same way. No, husband, you don't own yourself, but she owns your body as well.
Speaker 2:Don't deprive one another, don't deprive. This is the word of God. Do not deprive one another, except when you agree for time. So this time of deprivation of sex is just for a time. Why To devote yourselves to prayer. Then, after that, come together again. Otherwise Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. So Paul in the word of God is saying like look, this is not a hard rule, black and white. This is not something that you're going to lord over people, but this is God's wisdom. This is how this works in a marriage. We want to show our love and our bond and we do that sexually. It is a good God-given gift for man and woman and it is a guard against sexual immorality. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, I was just going to say sex is very intimate. You're not. No one's going to know you on a deeper level, you know, than sex, and so when you're two becoming one, you're committing and connecting to each other on the most deepest intimate level that only you two will be able to do that together. Yeah, so it's very important to connect on that level and I think that I don't know if you were getting into this. Oh, you won't later. Yeah, we're going to get this.
Speaker 2:So I just wanted a quick point right here that it's a guard against sexual immorality. Some people don't like that. They're like oh well, he's you know. So I'm just using this to he doesn't cheat on me or she doesn't cheat on me. It's a guard against sexual immorality. Well, he just says it because the flesh has desires. He knows how the flesh works and he says it's not good that you guys are going to be separate. You should not deprive each other because of sexual immorality. You should devote yourself to one another and that is your marital duty. So it is a guard against sexual immorality. Why do people who are not sexually active in their marriage right? They're not sexually attracted or active, they don't have any drive. All of the sudden they become sexually active with somebody else.
Speaker 1:Right, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I thought there was something missing here sexually. Why are you not doing this here? But now you're doing this? Because usually it's one of those other three areas of connection are not intact. So, assuming you're not, that you're connected emotionally, relationally and spiritually. If you're connected in those three things, the physical is going to be good Should be but the vast majority of time you're connected relationally, spiritually and emotionally. I guarantee not guarantee I'll give you a 90 percent guarantee. There's exceptions to the rule, but for the vast majority of people who are connected in all three of those areas, the sex part is going to be good, the physical part will be good. So we're assuming, before we talk about the physical connection, that you have those other three intact. If you don't have those other three intact and then you're like, hey, I really want to have this physical part intact, well, hey, hold on, let's work on these other areas.
Speaker 1:first Get those first three down.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So on the sexual or the physical lack of active your connection, why do most people that have that issue, why are they not connecting sexually?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Outside of the non-connecting and the other areas there, I mean there also could be like hormonal imbalances. I don't know if that's where you're, but that's a thing you.
Speaker 2:I mean yeah you know a little bit more about that, If you are.
Speaker 1:If you're not, if your diet and your activity is off, your testosterone levels are going to be dropped, or your for women, their estrogen and they also have testosterone as well will be dropped, and so when you're not eating the right foods you can have and not exercising, you're not going to have those high levels of hormones that you need. You're going to have those dips.
Speaker 2:So the you're not going to have the desire to yeah, and generally speaking, women are the gatekeepers of this area of connection. Guys will take as much as they can get from what I've experienced. Generally speaking, guys for the most part have a higher physical sex drive than women, and if they're not having, you know, success in that area of connection, it's usually because I hate the wife. You know she's just not connecting on that level.
Speaker 2:Again, that could be because those other three are out of whack or it could be a physical thing, a hormonal thing, to where there is no drive.
Speaker 1:So most of the time it is from the emotional disconnect going on. But outside of that, if you are completely connected with your spouse, you love your spouse, you guys have fun, you have all these you know talks and communication and transparency, but you're just not, you just don't have a drive, then that is hormonal imbalances. So my suggestion would be to go see a hormone specialist and get your blood tested, because your primary they're not specialists in this area.
Speaker 2:So then if you're running yourself ragged and you're going nonstop, you're sleep deprived, you're physically deprived, you live a sedentary lifestyle to where you're not moving and you're not active much, you have a crappy diet. You're doing all of these things. Very likely you will have a low sex drive, man or woman, yeah. And so the physical thing is important, like if you're, if you're overweight, if you, you know, are out of balance in any of these other areas, physically you are going to have a lower sex drive. Especially if you're a man who's 30 and over, your testosterone levels decrease.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And you same thing you have to get you know blood work done, see where your testosterone levels are. If you're not exercising regularly, if you're eating junk food all the time, you're not sleeping, you're high stressed, all of those things will lead to a lack of drive, and it's not good, and so you need to get those things in check.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and they can all be fixed with the proper diet and the proper exercise.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all of it can, but there's also some other things outside of that. So one tip that I have is guys, don't be selfish, I'm not going to look at you, I'm going to look at them, don't be selfish. So when I think everybody guy is going to try to give themselves a pat on the back, no, I'm good in that. Or it's like make it about her.
Speaker 1:Well, there needs to be again open communication transparency in the bedroom as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we're not going to again. This is PG 13,. I'd say PG. That is for you to determine those things, but there needs to be open communication. Likes dislikes.
Speaker 2:So when I say don't be selfish, and I'm saying you have to communicate, Because if you've never communicated about what she likes and what she likes, what she doesn't like and what she prefers and all this stuff, then you are being selfish. We talk about everything and so we'll have those discussions. Yes, again, not going into details, but communication is key. Talk about it. I don't know why people think it's such an awkward thing to talk about. It's like we've just done the thing that should have been awkward. Now, the least awkward thing is to talk about it afterwards or before, like how do you? You know, what do you enjoy, what do you not enjoy?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that that would be more awkward if you don't already have the communication going on outside of the bedroom. So you need to be on that level where you're completely transparent with each other and it's okay, you're not judging each other and you're trying to make your marriage better.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so that also goes for sex. You have to talk about it.
Speaker 2:Don't get upset if she says I don't like that thing that she really did. Yeah, yeah, so there you go.
Speaker 1:I think we'll leave it. I think that's good, yeah A couple more things, I think.
Speaker 2:Be playful, be romantic, meaning like, add spice to it. Don't just do the same thing. You know, and we're not going to go into details Read the song of Solomon. Read the song of Solomon, keep it fresh.
Speaker 2:Keep it fresh, keep it new, talk about it, try different things. When you read the song of songs, there's this dance that the bridegroom and the bride are having, and it's not just this like, okay, here's this formality, we're just going to do this thing real quick. There's this romance and there's this build up and there's this anticipation, and then there's the fulfillment and the consummation of it. That's how it's supposed to be, yeah, yeah. So keep it fresh, keep it new. Okay, I think that's about all we're going to talk about on that. So, guys, connecting in your marriage, ways to connect in your marriage, the two become one flesh.
Speaker 1:Well, I think one thing we didn't talk about, though, as far as sex is women or men withholding from your spouse to put them in a penalty box for something that they may have done to make you upset. That's not okay. That's like God withholding something from us because he's holding us in a penalty box. We're not called to do like. That is not good.
Speaker 2:So like you're mad at me, so now I'm not going to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're not getting anything from me. You know it's like what if you withheld emotional connection from me because I'm not having sex with you every night, like it goes both ways, like you should not be withholding emotional connection, relational connection or sexual connection from your spouse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to get your way, because you're throwing a pin at me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've never had that issue, I've never done that and he's never done that to me. High five, you know, and so we're healthy in that area. But I have seen where women have withheld from their husbands and it's well, because that's the thing, they have the control of that area.
Speaker 2:Typically they're the gatekeepers of that area of the marriage and so if they're in and that can be the husband's a controlling person and tries to control everything. And so the wife is like I'm going to control this one aspect that I have control over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, and so maybe you're again withholding because the husband's not meeting your emotional need. And so there, the husband does need to meet your emotional need. Do you guys have to meet each other's needs on all aspects of these?
Speaker 2:Totally yeah. So connecting and marriage we are connected, the two have become one. We are one, we are united. The man leaves his father and mother, he cleaves to his wife, and so we are supposed to act like we're one. And so the different ways to connect is relationally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Speaker 2:I would just challenge you, if you're listening to this, just take a self audit. How are we doing in those four categories? How are we doing relationally? Is there things that we can be doing that we haven't been doing? When's the last time we connected? When's the last time we done fun things together?
Speaker 2:Hey, let's plan something. If it's not scheduled, then it's not planned. You're not going to prioritize if it's not in the schedule. Candice, by God's grace, is the organized one in our marriage. She plans things all the time for us. If it was just up to me, I would just be going nonstop, think we're okay, and she takes the initiative and she puts things out, box it out in our calendar, and I'm surprised all the time. Oh my gosh, we're doing this thing. That's incredible, this is great, and so now we get to look forward to this trip. So just take an audit. Where are you at relationally? Where are you at emotionally and spiritually? How can we do better? What are some of the things that we can do with our schedules and our personalities and all those things to connect spiritually, emotionally, and how are we doing physically? What are the things that we can intentionally do so with?
Speaker 1:that I think you take the audit a lot more than I do for you. Every so often you're like hey, how are you doing, how are you filling with us, when are we?
Speaker 2:And that comes from a season of pain where I did not, I just went full force without ever asking those in. I'll notice, like, especially in my busy seasons. I'll take a moment how are you doing, how are we doing, are you good? Because if someone were to ask like, if we're good, I would say we're fantastic. Is that how you think she said we're good?
Speaker 1:We're good, okay, good.
Speaker 2:Or we're not. We could do something better. So anyway, take an audit, talk together. Where can we improve in these areas? Amen, amen.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:I'm going to pray for our audience and then we'll be, we'll be dismissed. Church. Thank you so much for this podcast and the work that you're doing through it, through the talks, through the messages. I pray that, for those who are listening to this specific episode, that people would have a humble look at their own lives, in their own marriages, that they would say where am I maybe missing it? Relationally, emotionally, spiritually or physically? How can we improve? What are the practical steps that we could take? With where we are? And I pray, heavenly Father, that you would guard against the enemies of tax and lies that are trying to come against and divide marriages. Lord, what you have joined together, let no man separate. The two become one flesh. I pray, god, that the people listening to this would be more connected in all of these areas and we pray these things in Jesus' name, amen, amen, all right bye.